Home on the Range

Hello, loyal readers (yes, both of you)! Why have I been absent from the blogosphere, you ask? I have been on a lovely trip to Wyoming and replaced my virtual life with a real one. Okay, okay, I didn't have internet access. Anyway...

What is it about the rural Western United States that makes people wear turquoise jewelry and large belt buckles? Jackson, Wyoming, is a fashion center all its own. The town, small as it is, seems to specialize in yuppies who are pretending to be outdoorsy.

You forgot your bear spray? Sure. While you're picking some up, why don't you check out the $500 stingray-skin cowboy boots we have for sale downstairs?

Last time I checked, stingrays were not native to Wyoming. I was also highly amused by the "authentic" wooden Christmas ornaments (choose from moose or bison) made in India.

Also fascinating was the $2,500 leather coat that had a rhinestone Gothic cross plastered across the back. You know, perfect for those chilly mornings chasing heathen pronghorns across the valley.

Tiny Daughter manged to lose one of her shoes on the airplane, and since there was no Target to be found, the lucky little lady is now the proud owner of $42 pink mary janes. I was twelve before I owned a pair of shoes that expensive. I have instructed her feet to stop growing for the next 18 months.

So...yeah. Jackson is not the place for inexpensive souvenirs. It is, however, the place for:

A good time was had by all, just not at the retail stores.

Packing it In

I know I'm not the only seriously annoyed that airlines are charging us for a checked bag. It's not easy to get by with a carry-on if you're going to be away for more than a weekend, particularly if you have a special event to plan for (we all know a wedding requires an entire outfit you will only wear once that week: bridesmaid dress, uncomfortable bra, Spanx, and stupid shoes). For every trip, I have just decided to plan on my ticket costing an extra $50, since I'll have to pay for baggage both ways. Now it doesn't even matter how long I will be away; I will always need to check a bag. Why, you ask?

Because I'm taking my baby.

You think women are high maintenance? We've got nothing on babies. One outfit change for us, two for the baby. Minimum. Diapers, wipes, food, toyspacifiersshoesmedicineblankiesippycupsbottlesbibs. The list goes on. Literally. My list, between me and the baby, is two pages long. Despite the fact that my little one is about 1/5 my size, she has now taken over 60% of my suitcase. The only thing that's mine in my carry-on is my laptop. I'm trying to decide if I REALLY need a change of socks for each day? I mean, my feet will be in shoes, right? Right???

Maybe next time I should just FedEx my clothes.

Baby-Proof Jewelry

Marilyn Monroe crooned that diamonds are a girl's best friend, but I think it's important that we don't have an exclusive relationship. Who doesn't love a great statement necklace or the kind of earrings that make your neck look long and lean? I have an impressive amount of jewelry, a lot of which I've made myself. The problem is that most of it was made or purchased BEFORE baby, or, as I like to call them, the years BB.

In the years BB, jewelry was purchased on a whim. Maybe it reminded me of something my grandmother wore. Maybe it went with the outfit I was wearing that day. I tend to gravitate towards unique, artisan-style stuff that you are not going to see on everyone. Tiny Daughter, on the other hand, tends to gravitate towards ANYTHING. Dangly earring? I'm going to pull it out of your ear now! Delicate chain? Hey, you can repair that, right? Beaded necklace? Those things look good enough to eat. Since it's pretty much impossible to wear jewelry that the baby won't be interested in, mommies need to find accessories that won't break. I've found a few items that seem to withstand the AB (After Baby) era.

Metal link necklace
Purchased a couple of years ago in an Ohio boutique, this $20 necklace is surprisingly lightweight yet sturdy. These mega-chunky links are mesh, giving me the look of serious hardware without the neck ache. It's long enough I often double it up and wear it as a choker, too.

Sorry about the pic. Someday I'll learn how to use my camera and finally manage to take a picture indoors without a flash. For now, just ignore the blinding light.






Flower post earrings from Express



This kinda retro-y pair is cute but not terribly tempting for kids to pull. The post backing means it's securely stuck to my ear.

Huh. Never got a close-up side view of my ear before. Glad to know there's no hair.





Antique fork bracelet
Yes, you read that right. It's a fork. A guy at a craft fair in Florida last spring explained how he buys antique silverware at estate sales and melts the tines, creating the swirls. This one happened to have a cool cut-out pattern on the end, as well. There is a spring hinge on the back, so I don't have to amputate my wrist when I take the bracelet off. There's nothing to pull on, no beads that can fly off, and no elastic to snap. Plus, it's quite the conversation-starter, don't you think?


Someday, Tiny Daughter will get to inherit my jewelry. I really, really hope by that time she will have lost interest in eating it.

Sleep Chic

What do you wear to bed? Are you a negligee kind of woman? Perhaps a tap-pants-and-cami chick? A bustier-with-lacy-thong lady?

Or a plaid-pajama-pants-and-old-college-tee mommy?

I mean, I probably went topless most of the time for my daughter's first three months of life. If I did have a shirt on, only one button was fastened. My boobs were in such demand that it made the most sense to have easy access. Sorry, UPS dude. Didn't mean to scare ya. If the hubby was turned on, he had sense enough not to show it.

Now I can be as demure as I like. Or not. But since the Tiny Daughter is my alarm clock every morning, I don't get to go straight from the bed into the shower. I'm making breakfast, changing diapers, bathing (her, that is) and playing. On a good day, there may be exercise. I'm lucky if I get to clean up within the first ninety minutes that I'm awake. Therefore, flimsy, lacy items are impractical, as they cannot hold their own against the onslaught of banana, bathwater and baby kisses. A bit of the problem is also modesty. Yes, Tiny Daughter is too little to question why Mommy's tush is hanging out of her jammie shorts, but the day would come eventually, and it's a conversation I don't want to have.

What do I wear to bed?

• a set of hospital scrubs I bought when I was 20

• striped pajama pants and one of my workout tees

• "I Love Lucy"-esque black and white polka-dotted cropped pants and matching button down top, purchased for easy nighttime nursing access

• saggy yoga pants and maternity tank top

I think I need a sleepwear revolution. The problem is finding cute, comfy pjs that combine style and a certain degree of modesty. Let's hit the internet! I'm open to suggestions!

Okay, I just checked out Victoria's Secret. Why do all the models look like they are wearing bras under their pjs?

Location-Specific

I went to St. Augustine today, wandered around the Spanish fort, and checked out the Old Town. They had all of the typical kitchy stores, and I really, really loved a tie-dyed, embroidered dress with one of those puckery waists that will fit everyone. It was lightweight and brightly colored, and not too expensive. I tried it on, looked in the mirror...and said no. Why, you ask, would I turn my nose up at an adorable dress?

It was most definitely a location-specific item.

Have you ever gone on vacation, made some clothing or accessory purchases and returned home only to realize you look like a reject from Survivor? Yeah. That's what this dress was. Breezy beachwear doesn't work once you leave the beach. I live in the swamp, and long, turquoise, hippie-style dresses scream,"I hate it here! I wish we lived by a beach like the smart Floridians!" And hey, no one likes bitter people.

Please understand that location-specific items do include, but are not limited to, beachwear. here are some other fine examples of stuff we should leave behind once we leave its origin:

Nothing screams, "Whoo HOOO! Spring break in Cancún!" like a pareo. As cute as it looked at the beachside market, it is not professional, your kids will play hide-and-seek under it, and you will never figure out how to tie it in all those cool ways they show you on the instruction paper.

Oh wait, if the instruction sheet is inadequate, go ahead and drop $15 on a pareo-tying DVD to help you out!

Moving on...how about that fabulous trip to Guadalupe? Or, um, Arizona? Unless you are attending a Phish concert or seek a really un-PC Halloween costume, just say no to the stripey poncho. You can still slam tequila shots, I promise.

Don't forget the family vacays in the Alaskan wilderness...only the dogs to keep you warm, huddled together watching iceberg chunks break off glaciers and head straight towards your cruise ship...dum dum DUMMMM! Those fur mukluks might be warm, but you live in North Carolina. And your dogs will get really, really excited about the rabbit fur. Eww.

These boots are what UGGs want to be when they grow up.

Guten Tag! Did you enjoy your tour of Germany? Ja? Pick up all the fine wooden toys and cuckoo clocks you want, but step AWAY from the lederhosen. Your children do not want them. Your infant son will thank you many times over for not subjecting him to cutesy pictures involving lederhosen and Alpine hats. Once you leave the Alps and are no longer likely to be gored by runaway cows, your kids look pretty silly in leather shorts.

I'm sure my readers can come up with their own location-specific items. Anyone still have a puka-shell necklace rattling around in their jewelry box, despite traveling to Hawaii over eight years ago? Yeah. I thought so.

Every Day is Dessert

You know that ubiquitous Facebook quote: "Life is short. Eat dessert first"? That's how I feel about clothes. Why wait for a special occasion to wear your favorite outfit? Do it now!

If I'm going to wait until Hubby and I get a date night, I'll never get dressed up. Feeling pretty and put-together can take the edge off a day that has had me cleaning up baby puke, doing three loads of laundry, trying to teach my daughter how to use crayons, and then dealing with the diaper damage from aforementioned crayon lesson.

Friday night we went to a bar. By "we," I mean Hubby, Tiny Daughter, and me (yes, I take my baby to bars, only in the early evening, only if there is no smoke, and only if she is well-behaved. Parenting WIN!). I wore a Desigual tapestry skirt with bejeweled buttons. I dressed it down with a plain t-shirt and flat sandals, but I still looked a bit out of place among the flip-flops and tank tops. I don't care what other people think, because some days are simply sequin days.

It is impossible to be crabby in this skirt. Hello, lovely buttons!

The best part about wearing fancy stuff to go out with friends is that I get to pass the baby around, thus decreasing the likelihood that I'M the one she slimes. Fortunately, my friends have a pretty high goo tolerance.

Weird Shoes

I admit, I'm kinda known for my shoes. Turquoise stacked-heel sandals? Check. Pointy-toed red-lace-up calf-length boots? Uh huh. Gray oxford-style booties in a leather so soft you could spread it on bread? Yup. Shoes can take an outfit from ordinary to extraordinary and can make you feel like you have ten times more outfits than you actually do.

Another bonus? Spray a little waterproofing stuff on them and they are impervious to drool, spit-up, Cheerio mush, and most forms of precipitation. One pair of shoes I own even claims to be Satan-resistant:

Shoes don't care if you've gained or lost weight. With proper care they can last a decade or longer. They can be repaired--a good cobbler can resole, restitch and reglue worn shoes that you can't bear to give up. I'm willing to invest more money in shoes than in almost any other piece of clothing, because I know that the good ones will be sticking around a long time.

It's about creating a relationship. If the shoes are comfortable and I can see myself wearing them forever, I'll put forth the effort to keep them in good shape. Kind of like my relationship with my husband, except that with shoes, monogamy is not required. Thank God.